Old Piranha Thumbs.
Annoy Your Friends
Hey there kids…
So…I started painting my left thumbnail. Why? Well, as many of you know, I make no concessions in an attempt to hide the fact that I am a worrier. I worry about everything. With Tom and I wearing almost all hats that are needed to be worn to keep “A Mediocre Time with Tom and Dan” afloat, there’s a great deal to worry about. Audio quality…Friday’s Free Show…the release time for BDM Member Shows…general audio quality…the functionality of the website…the App…the happiness of clients…I mean…the list goes on and on and on.
In a perfect world, I’d be stone cold and none of the aforementioned things would bother me at all. I mean, to be quite honest with you, I think Tom and I do a damn fine job of staying on top of almost everything. (Oh shit…I forgot merch! That’s a biggie and this week we were a day later in shipping due to traveling to the West Coast! Don’t think for a second that doesn’t bother me! It all does. Trust me!) But there are habits when you’re a worrier that you pick up. Bad habits. One of them that I find completely disturbing but it’s all me is picking my fingers. I’m sure there are others of you out there who also partake in this less than sophisticated form of self-mutilation. Mine just also happens to be the nails and sides of my thumbs. Most often…you guessed it…my left thumb.
So after a long weekend of extremely long domestic flights, I come home looking as if I’ve been hitchhiking underwater while random piranha dined on my stubbiest phalanges. It’s gross. And every so often I have to revisit Andrea’s nail polish drawer in an attempt to slap a reminder coat on my thumb. It’s a not so subtle way of telling myself to “Knock it the fuck off!” And it works.
And before any of you go ripping into me for Beyonce’ing my thumb, please allow me to drop a little knowledge on you. Did you know that at one time black was the favorite of many colors applied to fingernails, and that men — not women — wore it? A warrior of Babylon about to go to war often spent several hours having his hair lacquered and curled, his nails manicured and colored, and his lips tinted to match.
See? According to that, I’m just your average Babylon warrior who just happens to pick all of the skin off of his thumbs when he thinks that his redeye flight is going to disappear into thin air much like Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. So there’s that.
Warrior…worrier…worrier…warrior…it’s all the fucking same.
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